While everyone is rushing around, wrapping presents, shopping and partying you may feel like you are the only one missing out on the Christmas fun. But trust me, you are not. A lot of people find the festive season especially hard for lots of reasons and it’s a good time to take care of your mental health at Christmas.
Mental Health and Christmas
As a child, Christmas can be exciting and fun. I always enjoyed my Christmas’ with my mum, nan and family. So much so, that they were my saviour when my first husband decided that Christmas was the time to get as drunk as possible and forget about it being anything to do with our children. One year, after I’d spent hours preparing Christmas dinner to cook, he dropped me off at my mum’s for a visit and forgot to pick me up again! Thankfully, mum had plenty of food to go around and me and the kids had a great day. Some people are not so lucky.
Christmas expectations play a big part in affecting your mental health. Some people need everything to be perfect, some people are lonely and feel like they are missing out on all the fun, some have other worries that play on their mind on the day like money or relationship problems.
I believe that what I’ve learnt over the years is that Christmas is just one day and we put way too much pressure on ourselves.
Last Christmas
Last Christmas was the first year I spent as a single person for over twenty years. I found it really hard. I had hoped with all my heart that he’d have changed his mind by then and come home. He was invited on the day but arrived really late and left as soon as he can. It was obvious he didn’t want to be here. And it HURT. There will be a lot of people feeling that way this year and I feel for them. But, you have to be kind to yourself. Let yourself be sad if you need, but remember, life goes on.
This Christmas he will be visiting again, but my feelings have changed now. I don’t care what time he turns up. I’ll be happy to see him and hopefully the kids will too. But if when he leaves I won’t be hurt, because it’s been a long time now and I know our relationship is over and time is a good healer. I have some really low points but my mental health is improving.
Christmas with Grief
I really feel for those that are grieving at Christmas. For some reason, it doesn’t matter whether their loved one died last year or 20 years ago, Christmas without a loved one is painful just because they are not there.
I last saw my mum on Christmas day 2008. I got the girls all dressed up and we arrived at the hospice in the morning laden with gifts. Straight away I ushered Graham and the girls away to look at the tree and the pretty decorated garden, while I sat and held my mum’s hand. She was leaving this realm and it was so obvious. I kissed her and said my last goodbye and she was gone forever. Now, every Christmas I still spend a few minutes lighting a candle for my mum and remembering her.
Mum had always made my Christmas’ special, she must have had her own problems, and even had to do Christmas cheer when my dad had passed away in November when I was a child. She hid her pain well. But that’s not always a good thing.
Don’t ignore your Mental Health
You can’t brush your feelings under the carpet (which is what my mum’s generation always did) you need an outlet. The idea is to plan this outlet in advance. It will only make everyone else as well as yourself feel worse if you spend the day in a mood, crying, or being angry. Sometimes we can’t help these feelings but you can find outlets for them.
Everyone is different, so what might work for some might not work for others. However, I have some tips for you.
- give someone a hug, let them know beforehand that you are feeling a little low and enjoy the closeness of someone who cares for you
- remind yourself that Christmas won’t last forever and it can be whatever you want it to be
- set boundaries and say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do
- do something to ‘forget’ that it’s Christmas, read a book or watch a film that reminds you of summer.
- take a break if you need it
- be gentle and patient with yourself
- don’t overthink everything.
I know for some people these simple things can be hard, but you can try. If I get really stressed out I go for a lie down, or pick up a book.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
Times change, children grow up, people pass away, Christmas changes. I’ve done it all, the Christmas’ full of family cheer when we have had a houseful of people, parties and fun.
Christmas’ with friends and work colleagues full of parties and going out (and getting drunk!)
Christmas’ with small children (I’m lucky to have done this twice and it’s most easily the best) when they wake you at 5am to tell you that Father Christmas has been and you spend the next couple of hours in an unwrapping spree, followed by a building toys spree as well as cooking dinner.
Very, very sad and miserable Christmas’.
Christmas’ where everyone has been under the weather and unable to eat or enjoy anything.
Quiet Christmas’ with older kids who get up whenever they like and the unwrapping lasts all day, but I get banished from the kitchen while they cook dinner for me… (although it’s me who has to clean up the carnage afterwards.)
And not forgetting the Christmas where I rushed a dying man to hospital in my car and just about made it through the doors. Then I got sick and spent the first two weeks of the year with a debilitating life long illness.
All these things can affect the way you view Christmas, you might want to focus on the grief, or life changing events. Or you could just make it new and exciting in a different way, or even take the pressure off completely, put your feet up and enjoy the Christmas television. (Or hide away from that and pop on Netflix instead!)
Be Present at Christmas
I’ve told you about all the Christmas’ I remember and the experiences I’ve had. This just proves that whatever you do it will affect you, whether it’s good or bad.
My simple tip to you is to be present at Christmas, just go with the flow, stay calm, don’t let the past influence you and don’t think about the future. Have no expectations and let things happen as they do. If you feel sad then feel it and let it pass. Take care of yourself and keep your emotions regulated. Prioritise your own feelings even if they don’t match what is going on around you. Your feelings are always valid.
It doesn’t last forever and it doesn’t matter how you celebrate, or not. Just take care of yourself. If you have other’s to care for, like small children, then it might be hard at times but they will remember everything with joy so long as you are taking care of yourself.
I hope that whatever you do this Christmas you will enjoy making memories. And I wish you all a Merry Christmas.
Plus, don’t forget, you can buy lots of things to help with your mental health in my little shop, why not get yourself a gratitude journal for the new year, or a habit journal to help to develop new habits in the New Year. Or even candles and wax melts which always lift your mood.
